Friday, October 10, 2008

Just Thoughts

i figure that nobody probably checks this anymore because i haven't written in so long. that might be a good thing. i have some things i need to get off my chest and not sure if i want him to read this or not. i thought about starting a diary so that he couldn't read it, but i figure that this is already set up, and if he reads it, he reads it.

i almost cried today, right on the street. i'm used to seeing couples. i see them kissing and cuddling and i've learned to block it out. but today, just walking home from class, i saw this couple. nothing like us. they were in their 50s and fat, but they were holding hands. and it was all i could do not to cry. i miss it. i miss feeling his hand enveloping mine. i feel like, while i love seeing him when i see him, we're always at a stalemate. when we saw a movie wednesday, all i wanted the whole movie was for him to take my hand. just that. just so we were moving forward at all.

i've thought long and hard about how i feel. i was worried at first that maybe what i missed was the relationship. maybe i just want anyone to hold my hand. anyone to kiss me. but i sat down and really thought about it. i wrote some stuff out (threw it away right after). i realized that it isn't the relationship i miss. its definitely him. when i almost cried today it wasn't because i miss somebody holding my hand, it was because i miss eric holding my hand. just that for right now would be enough. if when we were together it was simple enough to reach over and hold his hand. but it isn't. and its up to him to make it that way. he really does have all the power. i know he hates it. i know he feels like he's dragging me behind him or that he's being selfish to keep me around. i know he thinks he's being cruel and that i'm better off without him. but he's wrong. it would be selfish for him to get rid of me just because i weigh on his conscience. i feel that he is getting better. at least around me. sometimes i catch him looking at me like he used to. just loving me with his eyes. maybe he knows i know, but maybe he thinks he's fooling me. i know that once he's better, once he's decided he's healthy, he'll want to be with me again. i just have to be patient.

i'm not being pathetic, either. this isn't me shutting down until he comes back. i'm living my life. i'm doing better than i ever thought i could. but i don't feel much either. i try to numb myself or i would never be able to function. i think my roommate is starting to notice. i think she can feel that i'm not much into conversation anymore. i asked him out for saturday and he said yes. i don't have any idea what we're going to do, but i felt like we were on a first date and i was nervous about asking if he wanted a second. i was so nervous when i asked. i wanted to the whole drive home from the movie theater, but couldn't until i blurted it out when we were almost home. i'm so happy he said yes, though it may not mean anything.

i guess i have to go, but i'll maybe post again. it depends on how much shit piles up.