Just Thoughts

i figure that nobody probably checks this anymore because i haven't written in so long. that might be a good thing. i have some things i need to get off my chest and not sure if i want him to read this or not. i thought about starting a diary so that he couldn't read it, but i figure that this is already set up, and if he reads it, he reads it.

i almost cried today, right on the street. i'm used to seeing couples. i see them kissing and cuddling and i've learned to block it out. but today, just walking home from class, i saw this couple. nothing like us. they were in their 50s and fat, but they were holding hands. and it was all i could do not to cry. i miss it. i miss feeling his hand enveloping mine. i feel like, while i love seeing him when i see him, we're always at a stalemate. when we saw a movie wednesday, all i wanted the whole movie was for him to take my hand. just that. just so we were moving forward at all.

i've thought long and hard about how i feel. i was worried at first that maybe what i missed was the relationship. maybe i just want anyone to hold my hand. anyone to kiss me. but i sat down and really thought about it. i wrote some stuff out (threw it away right after). i realized that it isn't the relationship i miss. its definitely him. when i almost cried today it wasn't because i miss somebody holding my hand, it was because i miss eric holding my hand. just that for right now would be enough. if when we were together it was simple enough to reach over and hold his hand. but it isn't. and its up to him to make it that way. he really does have all the power. i know he hates it. i know he feels like he's dragging me behind him or that he's being selfish to keep me around. i know he thinks he's being cruel and that i'm better off without him. but he's wrong. it would be selfish for him to get rid of me just because i weigh on his conscience. i feel that he is getting better. at least around me. sometimes i catch him looking at me like he used to. just loving me with his eyes. maybe he knows i know, but maybe he thinks he's fooling me. i know that once he's better, once he's decided he's healthy, he'll want to be with me again. i just have to be patient.

i'm not being pathetic, either. this isn't me shutting down until he comes back. i'm living my life. i'm doing better than i ever thought i could. but i don't feel much either. i try to numb myself or i would never be able to function. i think my roommate is starting to notice. i think she can feel that i'm not much into conversation anymore. i asked him out for saturday and he said yes. i don't have any idea what we're going to do, but i felt like we were on a first date and i was nervous about asking if he wanted a second. i was so nervous when i asked. i wanted to the whole drive home from the movie theater, but couldn't until i blurted it out when we were almost home. i'm so happy he said yes, though it may not mean anything.

i guess i have to go, but i'll maybe post again. it depends on how much shit piles up.

Yesterday

yesterday was ridiculous. i just woke up and it is 4:50 pm. here's why. my roommate is having stalker issues that came to a head yesterday. her ex-boyfriend got mad because she took him off as a friend on facebook (because he wouldn't stop sending her strange messages and posting pics of himself and his new gf in half-naked poses) and started harassing her. he started by texting her, asking why she took him off. so she didn't answer because, basically, she didn't feel she had to. they aren't friends and they aren't together anymore. she doesn't owe him anything. then he got mad. he started sending meaner and meaner texts and calling constantly. when she didn't answer the phone, he left horrible voicemails. he started using things he knew about her to try to hurt her. she continued to ignore him. this happened periodically for the last week. finally, yesterday, her phone was ringing off the hook with mean texts from him and him trying to call her. believe me, i heard some of these texts, and not only was he barely making sense, they were hurtful. so she texted him back. she said, "please stop calling and texting. you are harassing me and i don't deserve it. please don't reply to this message." that's when he went crazy. every ten seconds there was another, meaner text coming through. so she sent him another message. "if you don't stop harassing me, i'm going to block your number." if possible, he went more crazy. so she called at&t to see if she could block his number. she can't. apparently its just not that easy. so i convinced her to call the police (not 911, just the department). they directed her to the county clerks' office who told her that what she is looking for is a protective order. if he talks to her or calls or texts again, the police are knocking on his door. however, it is usually used for domestic violence instances, and he had never been violent to her. so she said she'd wait and if he stopped soon, she wouldn't do it. that's when she made the mistake of calling him to warn him. he didn't stop screaming at her for a second. by the time she got off the phone with him, she was crying. so she called her mom (who knows him) and asked her to talk to him. her mom convinced him that if he stopped talking to any of them, they wouldn't get the police involved. but the first time he called or texted, they would get the protective order. he agreed to that, however reluctantly. that was the end of that (or at least all i've heard).

then i went to work (six hour shift, worst shift ever) and got a voicemail while i was working from my old roommate. it seems our lease ended today and the house hadn't been cleaned yet. in fact, they weren't moved out yet. they weren't going to get me involved because there is another roommate who was going to help, but she managed to slither her way out of it. so i got called. right after my six hour shift, my feet killing me, i went to the house. i got there around 9:30 pm. we cleaned until 8 am. we took one break at 3 am for mcdonald's breakfast, ate quickly, and started cleaning again. i finally got home at 8:15, and still had to take a shower. i fell into bed at 8:30 and slept, non-stop until this. i'm so sore. sorry this is so long, but you see? this was my day. now what? there's pretty much nothing left to do except play wow and read. and because i can't keep myself from adding this, i wish i could talk to eric. but he'll talk to me when he's ready. i've accepted that.

okay guys! time to relax (or be bored) for the rest of the day.

The Hurt

how can i explain this to you rationally. i don't understand. i don't understand why you're so scared. i don't understand why you think you have to do this. i don't care about marriage. fuck it. you could rip up my dress and flush the ring down the toilet because i'd rather just be with you. i don't need you for sex. i don't need you to support me or bully me into doing the things i'm supposed to. i just need you to love me. i just need you to stroke my arm and run your fingers through my hair. i need you to kiss away my tears and hold me until the hurt stops. then, i can support and bully myself. we don't need to be titled. i don't need you to be my "boyfriend". but i can't just be your friend. i can't stand it. every time i would be around you i would just cry. i would want to play with your fingers and pick the eyelash off your cheek. i would want to put my hand in your pocket so i could hold your hand. i would want to curl up in your lap and feel you breathing. but i couldn't. not as a friend. i just want to lean against your chest while we make fun of the douchebag who just walked in the door. i want to feel your arms around me while we guess whether or not he's wearing athletic shorts. i want to feel your warmth as your hand curls around mine. i miss my furnace. i know you need to figure yourself out. i can respect that. but why can't you do it with me in your arms helping you? why do i have to be across the table or not around at all? why do i have to lose my one true love? there's no reason. you can figure yourself out and i can even give you some space. i just need to be able to touch you if i have to. i need to know you're there. and don't say you'll be there even if we're not together, because you won't. not the way i need you. please think about this. please help me make the hurt stop.

Please Read

I know you need time and space to think. I know that I might sound pathetic. I just have to tell you that I deserved some warning. I understand why you did what you did. I understand why you thought that was the right thing to do. I just need you to know that you're sabotaging me. I need you to kick my ass, not break my heart. You only need to be tougher on me, not cruel. I can do what it is that you're asking and yes, partly it will be for you, but that's okay because you do things for me all the time. I love you and I miss you too much for this to last long.

Update

so that perfect little hole in my palm is infected, but my stitches are healing nicely. i'm on antibiotics, i have to keep antibiotic cream on it at all times and keep it wrapped. that caused some friction at work. however, the lab came back with some abnormal cells right near the margin of the mole under my breast. so now they have to take more. yippee, more surgery. i'll write more later, but i wanted to update my avid fans on my mole situation. see ya!

Moles and Birth Control

does anybody else hate going to the doctor? i sure as hell do. especially when you have no idea what's about to hit you. my doctor is the nicest woman in the world. she's a friend of the family and the first thing she noticed when she walked in was my engagement ring. we exchanged pleasantries, then she asked me why i had come to see her. well, i said, i have these moles i'm worried about. i went on to tell her that the mole on my left palm (which i have become quite attached to) has grown. also, there is a very large, raised, multi-colored mole under my right breast (which i think is kind of sexy). she looked, said okay, then proceeded to surgically remove both. i now have two stitches under my right breast and a perfect, round hole in my left palm. it's awful. then she helped me exactly not at all on a question about birth control and gave me a gardisil shot so that i can be ONE LESS!!! anyway, at least i probably won't get cervical cancer.

A Necessary Apology

i have to admit... i sort of forgot all about the bloggings. i'm so far behind all of your writings and definitely behind on mine. what is there to say? i'm adhd.

i don't want eric to leave for fort wayne this summer, but i am happy for him. he deserves to be with his brothers, and he will be making much needed money for the wedding (or the honeymoon). i wish i could come too. i am afraid to live by myself. while there will be three other girls living with me, they will not help me cook my food or remind me to go to appointments. i have become dependent on eric's responsibility and i don't want to become independent again. i suppose i will have to.

i am supposed to be putting together a research presentation on wicca right now, but i can't seem to focus. that's too bad because i have to present it tonight. i guess i should get on with it, but i'll have a few hours after my next class. i suppose that's all i really have to write right now, and i truly apologize (especially for chiding you all on not reading my blog, then not writing a blog). i hope you all have warm days and pleasant nights.

in perfect love and perfect trust,
keighdee